10 Things You Should Know Before You Think Too Much About How Awesome It Would Be If We Were Friends

Even 20 years ago, I had no excuse for my behavior.

1) I appreciate other strong women, particularly those who gather their confidence from within and couldn’t give a damn less what the rest of the world has to say about them.

2) I have an observable issue with men who need to be dominant over women, particularly when their actions make it apparent that they believe women should sit down and shut up or for any reason pretend to be something less than they are.

3) I’m not picky about much when I go out to stores and restaurants, but if the person waiting on me screws up and takes it out on me with their attitude, I’m gonna need to point that out to them and then probably speak to a manager. If you happen to be with me at that moment…first of all, I’m sorry. And second, I hope you feel comfortable either walking away, being supportive, or disappearing into the wallpaper, because I’m probably going to say some shit.

4) When I’m wrong, I’ll say I’m wrong, but when I’m right, I’m gonna by god stand there and be right. I won’t gloat, but I won’t say I’m wrong, either.

5) Any time I’ve thought it might be better for everyone if I ate a little crow and pretended to be wrong to keep the peace, it has SERIOUSLY BACKFIRED. Turns out, I suck at lying because everything I think is written in all caps across my forehead. Also, if you’re being a shithead, I want to make you cry.

6) I won’t abide games. Ever since I got out of teenagerhood, I became a reliably honest person, and I do not at all understand adults who lie to and manipulate those they claim to love. I mean STOP TRYING TO STEAL OTHER PEOPLE’S HAPPINESS; IT WON’T MAKE YOU ANY HAPPIER. (See lyrics by Kacey Musgraves: “pouring salt in my sugar won’t make yours any sweeter, pissin’ in my yard ain’t gonna make yours any greener…”)

7) If you’re a hopeless and habitual fan of mind-fuckery, then you’d best believe you and I are done when I figure that out. Also, it’s a given that I’m going to tell everybody we both know about the shit that led to my departure, because once upon a time I didn’t, and I really should’ve. Nowadays, there’s no way I’d let other people fall into your bullshit, and I don’t care if my speaking up is polite or not.

8) I believe the “but I had a really hard life” excuse is nothing short of ridiculous when it is used by adults to justify a heinous pattern of behavior to the people in their life that they are supposed to love. Get therapy. And if that doesn’t work? Make a conscious decision to not be a jerk and to take responsibility for your own shortcomings. You’re grown, for heaven’s sake.

9) I talk about religion academically. If you’re overwhelmingly Jesus-y, my guess is that’s going to piss you off. I’m not sorry. Religious practitioners have been screwing up the world for centuries with their insistence that personal beliefs are relevant in public forums, and I’m fairly likely to say so, particularly if I hear politics and patriotism coming out of your mouth when you’re talking about your religion. These things do not belong together, regardless of the fact that people have been relentlessly putting them side by side for most of this country’s history.

10) I smile at people I don’t know in public. Most of the time this is a fairly harmless practice, especially when it’s babies and children. Occasionally, however, I land a nutbucket. If you happen to be with me, I truly am sorry. Know that I’m trying to end the conversation with them as quickly as possible. It’d be great if you could interject with some sort of excuse, but I understand that most people weren’t born into improv, so it’s cool if you just wander away.